I’m learning how to be in love
With every passing day
The fireworks that fall about me
Dance my breathe away
And every time I try to grasp it,
For a second, try to last it
falls away, the last spark
drowned and suppressed in the dark
Your affection rains on me
Freckled electricity
It brushes me, it’s shocking
It rains on me, it’s locking
me into a world of starry daylight
Incandescent, wrong or right
It’s a fact the sun’s imploded
It’s a fact the stars are falling
But though I know the world’s exploding
I can’t help but singing, calling
Proclaiming your name to the skies
In the apocalypse dreams of suicide
For despite all the dying cries
I can’t help noticing
That it’s beautiful tonight
And though the moonlight’s dying
And though my life is done
I still can’t help my dreaming
That the world still has a sun
For I’m adrift in the ecstasy
That you’re the only one I love
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i did the line skip with
"try to last it / it falls away"
because i was trying to keep even rhythm on the line. i always sacrifice things like that. i favor rhythm and rhyme over comprehension.
Lots of potential with this poem. As previously mentioned good rhyming and there's a strong sense of flow. The concept at intially, especially in the first 2 stanza was a little uninteresting "Oh I'm in love, it rocks" but I was really drawn into the idea of an apocalypse and now the concept has changed to "The world is ending and we're all gonna die, but I love you, it rocks". I like that direction, maybe I'm just dark and sinister and am counting the days until the world ends but nevertheless, it seems like an original enough theme to build on. It give more quality to this 'love'. You won't stop this 'love' when the Earth stops and it surpasses death. Sounds promising. Keep it up. Give a second draft a try
I really loved how it flowed and your rhyming was very beautiful. I loved your choice of words, very meaningful and powerful, especially since I'm used to pet peeving about words not being powerful enough.
This was the only section I didn't understand. Lines 2-4 seemed awkward. 'for a second, try to last it'? What do you mean her? Do you mean 'last' as in 'endure'? As it is, it would write: 'for a second, try to last it falls away...' Unless I'm missing something major here, this didn't make much sense.
I liked your use of 'freckled electricity', but I thought 'rain' might not be the most fitting word for electricity. I can't think of any other word off the top of my head, but just consider what other verbs may be more characteristic of electricity.
This was just gorgeous, must be my favorite few lines.
I really enjoyed reading this poem. Nicely done and please keep writing.
That was beautiful, just... wow.
The rhyming was, of course, brilliant and I loved the rhythm, it seemed so fast and wild and free.
The only thing I might change:
In the apocalypse dreams of suicide
Apocalyptic, perhaps?
I especially loved the last two stanzas and the line "Incandescent, wrong or right".
The ending is great.
So yes, this is beautiful and amazing and there was something just bright and electric about it that I loved. Well done.